The FRITZ – 3/16/12

It’s The FRITZ, my weekly rapid-fire reality recap blog. For fellow lovers of Survivor and The Amazing Race, rejoice with me. For haters of all things non-scripted…step away from your screen. Uh, but please come back again soon. Like, seriously.

Survivor LogoSurvivor: One World

Man, those guys are IDIOTS. Why on earth would they give up immunity and shift all that momentum back toward the women? They’re gonna get slaughtered now! They’re totally gonna lose challenges and go to tribal council again faster than a segue to the next paragraph.

Oh, but wait–we’re mixing up tribes? AND we’re separating the tribes to different beaches? But hold the coconut phones, I thought the title of this season was One World? Isn’t all of this colored egg business gonna create…two worlds?

To add to the “ugh,” Jeff Probst’s colored eggs collection split the tribes into “Greek gods” and “peasants,” as Colton accurately assessed the situation. Monica took offense to being labeled a pathetic peasant; alas, Monica, unless you have a hidden immunity idol, being a fitness god among couch-dwelling peasants won’t save you from tribal council!

The Greek gods of Salami won a PBJ reward and returned to camp, exercising their spiritual authority over nature as crabs and chickens flocked en masse to their feet. Meanwhile the lowly peasants of NONONO captured a chicken themselves! What great fortune, that they too should experi–and then the fowl creature made like Chicken Run and left the peasants dumbfounded in loss.

Back at Salami, Kim decided to search for the other hidden immunity idol since, oh yeah, that still exists. Found the idol she did, confiding with bestie Chelsea that it was currently in her crotch. BFFs for life.

The immunity challenge went just as expected, with the gods destroying the peasants in a game of water basketball. It would’ve been a total shutout, but Monica the goddess among peasants just had to score a point for her pathetic tribe, further dooming her fate. Watching Colton nearly drown in that challenge must have been a delight for her last night.

Colton lamented that it was hard being king of the idiots, as he had to tell Alzheimer’s Grandfather Tarzan to vote for Monica Lewinsky 87 times. Our beloved Tarzan legitimately didn’t know which tribe-mate was Monica, as it was revealed at tribal council that he suffers from nominal aphasia. He has a phenomenal vocabulary, yet he can’t remember Jason’s Jonas’s name. That’s so freaking quirky; I love Tarzan. Colton worried that Tarzan might vote for the non-person “Jenny,” and I was praying Tarzan would vote for Jenny.

Alas, the tribe opted to keep the teal briefed wounded hippo of an Alzheimer’s grandfather as the peasants revolted against the NFL goddess. Back to the clouds, Monica.

Race LogoThe Amazing Race

The teams ripped their clue envelopes and learned that they’d be flying from Paraguay to Italy. Mark/Bopper (aka, MY FAVES) commented, “We is goin’ somewhere tropical!” I’m not sure what makes my heart more glad: the ridiculous phonetics or the fact that they think Italy is “tropical.”

Alas, before they could fly to tropical Italy, they’d have to successfully secure a flight from a travel agency. If it weren’t for Art/JJ telling them this minor little detail at the airport, it’s possible Mark/Bopper could still be with the watermelon pyramids of Paraguay. Needless to say, Team Kentucky found themselves an hour behind all the other teams on a later flight.

Did you guys know nobody is smarter or stronger than Art/JJ? They proved it with another first place finish, thanks largely to the fast-forward where they had to land a helicopter–a toy helicopter, that is. This kind of twist would have packed more of a punch if they were told to do something seemingly simple that was actually super complicating, instead of the other way around: like swimming from one end of a bathtub to the other, only to find that “bathtub” is Phil’s nickname for the Adriatic Sea.

THIS RECAP IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE INCREDIBLE FORD FOCUS, COMPLETE WITH AUTOMATIC PARK ASSIST FOR ALL YOUR PARALLEL PARKING DEFICIENT NEEDS.

Yes, the Ford Focus park assist feature effectively caused more celebration than 12 of the 19 winners of this show. Vanessa/Ralph loved park assist so much the first time that they did it again! Vanessa/Ralph also love air-time and know how to get it.

Team Big Brother were the stars of this episode, as Rachel broke down at nearly every turn. To close this FRITZ, I’ll simply leave you with a tasty assortment of salami Rachel quotes:

  • (sobbing) “I just wanted to travel around the world with my best friend.”
  • (storming) “I don’t want your hand. I might just purposely jump in front of a car.”
  • (indignant) “The Amazing Race is supposed to be fun and good.”
  • (sobbing, storming, indignant) “All the people that hate us and make fun of us are gonna win.”

Somehow, Brendon survived Rachel’s nuclear meltdown as their relationship and race lives to see another day. Mark/Bopper finished last, were generously given $5000 by Art/JJ, and were ultimately saved by Phil. I’m so glad, because I need me some more Mark/Bopper in my life.

Were you a fan of the tribe switch in Survivor? Do you love Tarzan as much as me? Is there anyone else to cheer for but Mark/Bopper in this season’s Race?

  • Kirin

    “We’re voting for MONICA!”
    “Now tell me whoMonica is again?”
    hahahahah Tarzan is SOOO funny!! I hope he stays around for a while!!!
    The peasants are basically screwed, but I am still rooting for them, just because I am one of the few Colton supporters!
    As for the tribe switch, I felt like it needed to happen eventually, but like you said, this season is ONE WORLD! Can they not keep that going for longer than 4 episodes??

    I love Mark and Bopper as well!! I totally have to root for them just because his name is Bopper!! I really want Rachel and Brendon to go far though. I never liked them much on Big Brother, but Rachel is soooo funny!! You should keep a list of Rachel quotes for every episode!

    • TMZ

      Tarzan’s my absolute favorite after this last episode, though I totally support Colton as a character too. Also loving Sabrina.

      And I will definitely be keeping my eyes and ears on Rachel this season of the Race. She’s been enterainment gold so far.