The FRITZ – 3/2/12

It’s The FRITZ, my weekly rapid-fire reality recap blog. For lovers of Survivor and The Amazing Race, welcome home. For haters of all things non-scripted…step away from your screen. Uh, but please come back.

Survivor LogoSurvivor: One World

Would the women survive the monstrous rains? Would all seven remaining ladies die? Or if they somehow survived the night, would they all just quit the next day? Who would Colton fraternize with then?

These were the questions facing us in the wake of the departure of Nina’s lumpy face.

While the women were too proud to cuddle with the guys throughout the night, they held no shame in cuddling around the enemy camp’s fire the next morning. They then proceeded to take-slash-steal the guys’ embers, you know, without really asking for permission or agreeing to any kind of hardened deal to give back something in return. Despite Colton’s constant empathy with the women, he didn’t particularly appreciate their socialist tactics, the traditional conservative Republican he is.

It’s the third episode and, as usual, I’m having trouble remembering the tribe names. I think they go something like Salami and NONONO. We’ll just go with those names the rest of the season, though I’m even more unclear over which one corresponds to the women and which to the men.

So the women of Salami/NONONO finally got into this game when they trounced the men of Salami/NONONO at the reward challenge. The girls won a canoe, which they surprisingly haven’t transformed into a nail salon yet, and they even caught a couple fish on the water. The women continued their winning ways with a dramatic come-from-behind immunity victory, in large part thanks to chill Bill’s bro-tastic pace in the gnarly tree puzzle.

Colton went on a bit of a racial rampage against Bill, but ultimately the guys ousted the one with all the power — Matt, who apparently held no power whatsoever. I’m intrigued by Colton who was the obvious number one boot early on, and who suddenly finds himself sitting pretty among a super masculine tribe of Tarzans, little people, and sushi chefs.

No intentional pun there on “pretty.” And I’m sorry if I was speaking racist of Bill.

You know what, let’s just move on to the next recap.

Amazing Race LogoThe Amazing Race

So, one team told the other teams that they were school teachers, when in fact they are not school teachers, but actually bloodthirsty assassins. They’re actually just federal agents, but don’t tell the other teams that, lest they all think a couple of girls are more dangerous than Phil’s eyebrow in a dynamite field.

Mark and Bopper are far and away my favorite team based simply on how they talk. I lived in Georgia for 11 years, and even I have never encountered people who epitomize the redneck like these two. There have been several country teams in 20 seasons, but nobody compares to these two Lego-building, solar-panel-building geniuses.

Most of the teams performed the solar panel detour and had to wait for their water to boil in the presence of roaming dogs, ducks, and llamas. While building his solar panel, one of the muscle meatheads cut his hand and stated, “I’m from New York; blood don’t matter.” Uh…come again?

Meanwhile, Art/JJ opted for the donkey detour which involved dragging said animal maybe ten feet to get the next clue. Surging ahead, the border patrol agents proceeded to blast Team “Big Brother” because they snatched a clue from them earlier. Those monsters.

Speaking of Team Big Brother, Rachel had a breakdown after the road block because of some/all the following: she would have rather the cows been steak, she hates math, and apparently their missing taxi was her fault. But not to worry, since her Big Brother companion was there to calm her frayed nerves. Even if he did have a booger in his nose while calming her.

The road block involved calculating the number of cows in a crowded auctioneer’s pen and determining their weight. When the teams figured out the correct number, the goucho — or “groucho,” as Mark called him — would award them their next clue. In the end it took two jocks who can’t do math teaming up against a middle-aged clown who can’t do math, and the clowns were eliminated.

Sad clowns. BUT WAIT. Before we cut to their sad farewell, the show provided us with a ditzy little number for Dave/Cherie that involved their stumbling clownish walkaway from Phil and his soccer greeter, who pointed and laughed as if this was clearly the most hilarious thing they’ve ever seen.

Anddd, that’s a wrap. Roll credits.

Are the women of Salami/NONONO unstoppable now? Who’s your favorite Race team thus far? If I told you I was actually a federal agent, would you be afraid of me?