The FRITZ – 3/9/12

It’s The FRITZ, my weekly rapid-fire reality recap blog. For lovers of Survivor and The Amazing Race, welcome home. For haters of all things non-scripted…step away from your screen. Uh, but please come back.

Survivor LogoSurvivor: One World

After a mediocre premiere that culminated with a super-lame immunity challenge, a medivaced contestant, and a fake tribal council, this season has put on the rocket jets and already blasted into a more fascinating season than either of the last two combined.

Sorry, Boston Rawb.

The men returned from tribal council and Leif decided to sleep in a crate/coffin fitted just for him. So not only is he the show’s first little person, but also the first vampire, apparently. He should’ve just stayed in his little coffin instead of telling Bill he was next to go, invoking the wrath of Colton.

In case you hadn’t heard, Colton hates his tribe. Like, everyone. He hates all the men. Bill is ghetto trash, Leif is a munchkin or an Oompa Loompa that needs to get knocked back to Oz, and oh yeah, then there’s Tarzan. We cannot forget Tarzan.

By my count, this was everything Tarzan said and did at the challenges this episode:

  • Cheered Jonas on by calling him “Jason.”
  • Cried a little Tarzan yell, complete with drumming chest-pounds.
  • Shrugged off the women’s reward challenge victory as pure luck.
  • Repeatedly blasted the women as cheaters in the immunity challenge.
  • Nearly forgot to grab a key after solving a puzzle with Colton.
  • Told Jeff Probst he was a federal agent while wearing a feather on his head.

I might have mixed up one of those with another dear contestant from a previous season. Needless to say, Colton nearly lost it over Tarzan’s chattiness in the immunity challenge.

I was following Jeff Probst’s live tweets throughout this episode, and he mentioned that this episode was “far far far from over” once the men won immunity. Nobody could’ve ever predicted what would ensue.

Jay was bum-puzzled by the decision. BUM-PUZZLED. I’m sure the Survivor editors loved typing out that caption.

Give Colton credit; he made it happen, convincing an entire tribe of people he hates to give up immunity and vote out his nemesis, Bill. Isn’t it funny that the gay guy who was easily the first one out is now in complete control, even though he still hates his tribe vehemently? Love this game.

Stupid move for the rest of the men’s tribe, but a brilliant move by Colton the gay Republican with a hidden immunity idol who has even more power than ever before. Really hope the tribes don’t get jumbled next week. This men/women divide is too good to mess with already. Loving this season.

Amazing Race LogoThe Amazing Race

What a comfort to know that the top two teams in this race are ardent defenders of America, with the soldier and his wife teaming up with the border patrol agents.

Too bad both teams are a little too cocky for my liking. Yay America.

Mark/Bopper ripped open their clue envelopes, and after some unintelligible southern drawl that I’m assuming included the next destination, we’re off to Paraguay!

And boy let me tell you, Paraguay is hot. It’s hotter than Mississippi mud. Hotter than new love. Hotter than the sands of Iraq. You can tell we have a diverse cast this season simply based on their analogies of the heat.

Art/JJ catch drug dealers on a regular basis, so they could surely stack watermelons. Duh, naturally. They backed up their strong drug dealer claims by rolling through the watermelon-pyramid detour and then the road block, since Art has “a good fat head” for balancing bottles.

Some of the other teams, however, experienced technical difficulties in this week’s tasks. Some saw their watermelon towers topple, inducing a longtime Race standby: laughing locals. The editors just love cutting to locals laughing at the teams when they look foolish during the tasks.

Yay America.

Rachel is quickly becoming my favorite female contestant ever as she spontaneously breaks down for no reason whatsoever. Last week she was upset that the auction cows weren’t steak to eat, and this week she cried tears of agony running to the pit stop when she and Brendon were far from last place. I can’t wait for next week’s meltdown.

The twins couldn’t arrange the harp knots, which was a little confusing since one is a musician. I thought this team would be formidable: one twin athletic, the other musical? Get out of town. What task would they not be able to accomplish with that kind of balanced talent? But alas, they were last to the mat and Phil-liminated.

Mark/Bopper remain my favorites this season, and I also like Team Big Brother and the “teachers.” I strongly dislike most of the other teams, so this cast is unusually polarizing for me. We’ll see how it plays out as the Race shifts to Italy!

If you’re a guy, what would Colton hate most about you? If you’re a girl, do Rachel’s constant emotional breakdowns make any sense to you?

  • Katie Terry

    I am such a slacker! I’ve been babysitting/tutoring the last few Wednesday nights, so I haven’t seen Survivor. I’ll have to catch up. None of the Amazing Race teams have captured my attention yet. Rachel wants attention, so yes, they make sense. They’re stupid, but they make sense.