The FRITZ – “I promise it’s not poop.”

It’s The FRITZ, my weekly rapid-fire reality recap blog. For fellow lovers of Survivor and The Amazing Race, rejoice. For haters of all things non-scripted…step slowly from your screen. Uh, but please come back again soon. Like, seriously, don’t leave me forever.

Survivor: One World

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Tarzan?

Because I do. I do, so very, very much. Please tell me what’s not to love about a bearded, mustached, possibly Alzheimer’s-inflicted old guy with definitely not poopy briefs?

Pretty sure I could watch the laundry scene on a cyclical loop the rest of my life: the young hot girl meticulously cleans her bathing suit with sand and sea water, prepares to boil away the microbes, only to have old man briefs of a peculiar brown nature thrown atop the pot.

Oh, but don’t worry, hot girl; he promises it’s not poop.

HE PROMISES IT’S NOT POOP.

Someone please hit the replay button on this scene and/or just take me to heaven.

Along with potentially soiled briefs, Tarzan also had a severe love-hate relationship going with Jason Jonas. Just last week he was proclaiming how each of his tribemates would be his friend in real-life, and Jason Jonas had luckily made the cut! But now Tarzan was fed up with Jason Jonas when Jason Jonas got angry at him for talking strategy with Michael.

Oh, but then Jason Jonas apologized and Tarzan got teary-eyed over that manly move.

Oh, but then at tribal council, Jason Jonas told everyone he was voting for Michael, and Tarzan again got angry at his friend, Jason Jonas. After Jason Jonas was voted out, he approached Tarzan and said, “no hard feelings,” only to have Tarzan tartly reply, “hard feelings.”

And there you have the story of Tarzan upon the tribes’ merger into TikiHut.

Now that Colton and his evil appendix are out of the game, Tarzan is the clear star of this season. I hope he stays forever. Like, I hope he hosts next season. I want countless tribal councils where he addresses players by their definite non-names.

Oh, and this has nothing to do with today’s Tarzan-obsessed recap, but Jeff’s description of little Leif struggling to push through the immunity challenge’s barrier might be my favorite Probstism — nay, my favorite simile — of all-time:

“Leif is like a turtle birthing out of the sand!”

Race LogoThe Amazing Race

Mark/Bopper: care to tell us where we’re going next?

Azerbajern?

Something like that. And where exactly is this daunting “land of fire”? Mark/Bopper assumed Africa. Good thing they didn’t need to locate Azaerbajern on a map.

Once the teams arrived in Azerbaijan, actually located in western Asia, they were treated to a random pre-sunrise hoedown, and the game was once again afoot. Whoops, I’m stealing Tarzan’s line — I CAN’T GET AWAY FROM HIM.

The road block was built up in last week’s preview as this harrowing, death-defying plunge into the deep, when it fact the task required racers to drown themselves for 7, maybe 8 seconds and then swim five feet to the surface.

Why couldn’t Rachel have done this task instead of Brendon?

The highlighted “poopy undies” portion of the episode came with the detour, as most teams opted to give oil baths to hairy, middle-aged men. Yes, oil baths. Like thick, black, BP hates sea-animals oil.

Art/JJ couldn’t believe such a thing existed, but aptly stated, “When in Azerbajerstan…”

JJ also repetitively yelled for his teammate to, and I quote, “Get in his junk, Art!”

Mark/Bopper, any thoughts on this definitely more dangerous task than drowning for 8 seconds? “They had too much doggone hair on them; they need to shaaaave!”

The other side of the detour, if for some unearthly reason you didn’t want to bathe hairy old Azerbaijanis in oil, was to search a car stuffed with a thousand apples for a single Race-colored apple. I get that the oil bath might actually be an Azerbaijan thing…but how is cramming a car with apples in any way cultural?

This episode featured another fast forward, and once Joey/Danny lost to Rachel/Dave — a team with a GIRL — it was game over for Team Jersey Shore. And game over for that ridiculous “Fitness” nickname which either applies to Joey or Danny. I don’t really remember which, and thankfully I no longer have to care.

On a scale of 10 to 10, how much of an 11 is Tarzan on Survivor? Would you let your clothes get boiled with his NOT poopy briefs? On a scale from 0 to -84, how much do you want to bathe in oil?

  • Mlyaksh

    I’ve gonna say -100 on the oil thing.