The FRITZ: FINALE WEEK, Y’ALL

It’s The FRITZ, my weekly rapid-fire reality recap blog. For fellow lovers of Survivor and The Amazing Race, rejoice. For haters of all things non-scripted…step slowly from your screen. Uh, but please come back again soon. Like, seriously, don’t leave me forever because of this.

Race Logo

The Amazing Race: THE FINALE

This was it. After weeks of intra- and inter-team bickering, it came down to four final teams: the unlikeable “divorcees” (is that even a real term?), the border patrol agents who instigated nonsensical fights with multiple teams, the former reality stars consisting of a whiney millionaire girl, and the short-tempered Army dude and his sassy wife.

In short, this was a STELLAR final foursome.

Normally Race finales last only an hour as we follow the final three teams to Phil’s gigantanormous finish mat. But this finale we got two power-packed hours as we followed four teams from India to Japan, and then watched the final three battle it out in Hawaii.

A couple seasons ago when the Race went to Japan, the teams participated in a bizarre Japanese gameshow task which involved constant shouts of “wasabi!” That’s honestly all I remember, and quite frankly it was enough to make that episode the greatest Race episode of all-time.

Needless to say, I was quite pleased with the producers’ decision to revisit that incredible Japanese gameshow standby, as teams had to nonsensically jump for dangling rubber chickens while somehow standing upright upon an increasingly speedy conveyor belt.

GOLD.

Ultimately, Vanessa’s ankle injury from the previous episode proved to be the divorcees’ undoing as she struggled to grab the chickens.

What a weird sentence.

Heading to the final destination of Hawaii, my hopes were that Team Big Brother would hold it together and be able to shock the world with their one and only first-place finish.

But alas. After mistakenly taking a cab instead of heading on foot to the helicopters, combined with Rachel’s 459028th breakdown of the season, Team Green was out of it.

And so it would come down to the unlikeable border patrol guys or the semi-unlikeable Army couple. GO AMERICA.

I didn’t have a problem with Rachel/Dave winning it all and breaking the Race record with their 8th first-place finish of the season. Their win was definitely made more satisfying and exciting when they first stumbled upon the finish mat without even completing the road block task leading up to it.

Did you see Phil’s eyebrows as he explained that Rachel/Dave needed to go back and complete the road block before they could finish the Race? Those brows were practically leaping back into Japan with such DRAMA unfolding as this.

In the end, it was a mediocre season with far too many unlikeable teams making it too deep into the show. But hooray for Mark/Bopper, who we’ll surely see again on a future all-star season. Make it happen, Race producers. GIT ‘ER DONE.

Survivor LogoSurvivor: One World

Last week, Tarzan escaped the trend of guys being slaughtered at tribal council, and he remained the last man standing. If you’d have told me at the beginning of this season that the kooky handlebar mustached old dude with a penchant for forgetting fellow tribemates’ names would be THE LAST GUY STANDING, I’d have said that’s crazier than Colton at a Republican rally.

At the start of the episode, it appeared that Tarzan would be able to finagle his way past yet another vote. He, Christina, and Alicia shared in their collective misery/dejection over not being selected by Chelsea to go on the boat reward. And so a plan was set to force Kim to jump sides in order to avoid a dreaded tie vote.

Oh, but Tarzan. Dear Tarzan.

Sure enough, by episode’s end the girls were all sick of Tarzan’s bizarre obnoxiousness. He randomly called Alicia the b-word for winning immunity, he employed his nasty sweaty buff to strain the water from the rice, he wore Kat’s undergarments, and I’m pretty sure at some point he must have just sat around camp in his old man briefs while the five ladies vomited into the fire.

Needless to say, Tarzan was voted out unanimously at tribal council.

And so we reach the finale with five ladies occupying the final five for the first time in Survivor history. Kim is the favorite to win. I like her, but gosh she’s boring. Chelsea’s not much better.

Alicia is just annoying, and I’m pretty sure Christina has had no idea what’s going on in this game since Day 2, so I’ll be cheering for Sabrina on Sunday.

YOU GO GIRL.

Was it a satisfying Race this season? Happy that Rachel/Dave broke all those illustrious records and won? Which lovely (or not so lovely) lady do you got this Sunday for the Survivor finale?