Books I’ve Never Read: TMZ’s Top-11 Favorites

I like lists. Lists keep the world in order. Lists tell us what’s the best of the best and the worst of the worst and the medicorest of the mediocre.

Top-10 lists are cute, but cliché. That’s why I do top-11 lists. They’re less cute, yes, but also less cliché, which also means more original. Also, I greatly worry what people think of me; I’ll trade cute for non-cliché.

I love books, though I’m certain I don’t read nearly enough. There’s just too many great books out there I’ve yet to tap into. So here now is my top-11 list of books I’ve never read. I hear they’re all pretty great — or, you know, maybe they’re not.

Books

#11. Breaking Dawn – It’s actually quite sad that, yes, I have read the first three books of the “epic” Twilight “saga.” Do Edward and Bella get married? Does the fetus eat Bella from the inside out? Does Jacob just give up on clothing forever? You’ll be up long after “eclipsing” the final page, though from awestruck wonder or irrevocable regret is entirely up to you.

#10. The Kite Runner – The story of a lonely kite who runs away from his evil step-kite-parents’ home in the clouds. How exactly the kite runs across the sky without any legs is a startling revelation. This book’s, like, internationally renown, y’all.

#9. A Tale of Two CitiesA fascinating cross-examination of Los Angeles and Anaheim and how these two cities possess far too many sports teams for being just 30 minutes apart — well, 90 with traffic.

#8. Gone with the WindWhere did it go? The last page will leave you breathless. Or should I say windless?

#7. The DaVinci Code – Tom Hanks has a horrible haircut and stares at paintings and runs the streets of Italy. Only in book-form.

#6. The Dark Tower – This never-ending series has absorbed years of my life. When Roland and Company finally reach that foreboding tower, they realize the light bulb just needed to be turned a tad to the right. Boom — Dark Tower, dark no more. Problem solved, series complete, and another million bucks for Stephen King.

#5. Mockingjay – Katniss and that bread guy are actually long lost twins from District 16, and when they get married they bear several incestuous mutant children with three arms. People often declare this their least favorite of the Hunger Games series, but I’m all for dark storytelling.

#4. To Kill a Mockingbird – They can’t do it; the rebels of Panem need the Mockingbird.

#3. The Lord of the Rings series – Imagine the epic adventures you get when you combine a fat guy with curly hair, a dude who was transformed into a hideous form, and Dominic Monahan. Wait, am I talking about LOTR or LOST?

#2. The Hobbit – Kinda like LOTR, except with less extraneous hot elves.

#1. The Harry Potter series – I enjoyed the movies, despite never grasping the “rules” of magic or any of the plot lines really. Oh my gosh, guys, THE ENDING. The dude with no nose loses all his powers and takes a job at Petsmart (snakes department) while Harry, Ron, and Hermione play dress-up and pretend to have wizard kids of their own. So presh.

What’s the best book you’ve never read?

  • Rebecka

    It took me 2,5 years to get through Twilight. Fine, I was studying Italian and reading several novels in that not-so-very-easy-to-learn-language at the time, but still. Yawn. 

    The Hobbit I read when I was 11. I gave me nightmares about huge spiders. I f you don’t like creatures with more than 7 legs, my advice is to avoid it… 😉

    • TMZ

      Huge spiders you say? It already sounds way better than LOTR!

      • Rebecka

        I heard they have them in HP too, so maybe you have to read them as well?

        • TMZ

           Hmm…perhaps…though 7 books is a huge commitment. Maybe someday!

  • MLYaksh

    I’ve read your top 3 of this list and loved them all. I will say- LOTR and HP take mucho time and (for LOTR) mucho patience. Reading both will also change how you watch the movies. LOTR, I’m upset at how they changed the characters, and for HP, I’m mad for everything they left out that makes everything make sense. But I’m probably too picky.

    • TMZ

      Have only seen the LOTR movies once each and really have no desire to go back and lose more days of my life. Would love to read the books though for the simple fact that they’re classics and I’m really uncultured not having read them yet. As for HP…I could probably go to my grave without reading them and be okay.

      • MLYaksh

        If you do read LOTR, be ready for long monologues and endless chapters of Tolkien’s long-winded and detailed writing. The only book that is harder to get through is the Silmarillion. Loved it but it took me a year to read it.

        Hard to believe it’s the same guy who wrote the Hobbit which is a very easy read.

  • Ahahahaha!! That is all. Just, laughing over here. ;D

    • TMZ

       Just grateful I could make you laugh over here!

  • foglight11

    Hmmm…what to comment about…

    My favourite number is eleven, obviously, so kudos for lists of eleven.

    I have read several of them, mostly out of a need to understand why certain things become so popular. I read the entire Twilight series because it was getting so big and I didn’t want to pass judgment on everyone without at least having the defense of saying, “Yes, I HAVE read them!” I have to confess that during this quest to gain ammunition to make fun of people with, I realized I was dying to know what happened next. -_-

    I haven’t read #9, #8, or #6, although I have always meant too…hahaha….everyone’s line….

    By saying you haven’t read Mockingjay, does this mean you have read the first two books? Mockingjay was a different mood than the other two. More politics in your face, even though I know the first two were political as well. I read it quickly, again, because I had this terrible need to know what happened next. I should know better. This happens to me with commercials with open endings.

    To Kill a Mockingbird I read when I was in high school, but not for a class. I was in a different English program, so I had to read something else while my friends read TKAM. I was jealous, so I bought it! I read it instead of my own class’s book. AMAZING!

    Are you planning on reading these? You must be.

    I am actually reading another book that is currently so popular I had to understand why. I shall go back to it now.  Peace!

    • TMZ

      Since the posting of this blog I’ve actually read Mockingjay and quite enjoyed the different style of it compared with the other 2. Again, I’m all for darker storytelling. All in all, a pretty good series.

      Hoping to read most of these someday! Will probably never happen though, especially since #1 is actually 7 books.

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