tell me this one thing

tonight,

i am

fighting.

all my life

i have been

fighting.

fighting as one

fighting as One;

fighting in sorrow

fighting in shadows,

fighting in and out of fear

fighting in tears for years and

years. so much fighting and

fighting, unceasing,

it never

flees.

it drains

it dries

it drives me

w i l d

.

and yet.

oh,

this thought,

this fight —

it fills

it fuels

it frees.

fills fuels frees me.

indicts my incompetence

restores my relevance.

finding by denying

beautifying by crucifying

love-unending by sweet surrendering —

oh,

this thought.

this

single

blissful

thought.

all my life

i have been

fighting.

tonight is not unlike any other

night;

tonight is not unlike this usual

fight.

but tonight,

tonight, i write

tonight, i wonder:

wonder why do i fight

tonight?

wonder where is my light

tonight?

wonder who is my right hand

tonight?

i do not regret

this lifelong fight.

what once were tears

of solitude and sorrow

are now tears

of the other sort:

tears of tenacious togetherness

by grace and grace

alone.

and yet.

tonight,

i feel

the weight

of this

fight.

this long

this loud

this lonely

fight.

i do not fight alone,

i know.

this messed up mass of flesh,

each one of us,

fights,

i know.

but

but do they

but do they really fight

like this?

do they really fight like

me?

is their cross

heavier

harder

holier

than mine?

i cannot speak for them,

tonight,

only for me

and my

fight.

only that,

tonight,

i feel

disjointed

and far from the

light.

and

i need you.

i need you to tell me

one thing.

tell me this

one thing,

this one blissful thought:

tell me i am

wrong

tell me i am not

disjointed

from you.

from Us.

tell me i am

joined

part of

together

with

you,

Us.

i need you to tell me

i am necessary

i matter and

i am vital

to you.

Us.

this messed up mass of flesh

this Body.

tonight,

i need you

to tell me this —

to tell me this aloud, with words,

spoken unbroken words —

because,

tonight,

this thought,

this single blissful thought

evades

me.

tonight,

i

i just

i just cannot

hear

it.

[ inspired by this blog post ]