Last week, I hit the publish button on a messy post I’d written two days prior. Truthfully, I didn’t know whether to post it. This feels a bit too vulnerable, I thought — even for me. Alas, I needed to vomit those long pent emotions from my system. My poor gut couldn’t take it anymore.
Upon dispelling my vomit, I was blessed and affirmed by so many. Comments and messages and floods of support from all over. Honestly, I love you guys. I love each and every one of you.
In the week removed from my “sad” post, I’ve re-read my despondent words. And I have some post-post thoughts on them.
Because I think I left some important stuff out. Some important people.
I can be so quick to confess my sadness and struggle, and yet I so often neglect to “count my blessings.” Among my opportunities and physical provision, my biggest most beautiful blessings are the people. Incredible characters God has intentionally written into my story.
I don’t want to lose these blessings.
Despite my life group’s dismemberment last fall, I remain in touch with many of these same precious people. I even live with one.
Just because the dynamics may change doesn’t mean the relationships die.
Moving forward, I want to take more initiative with my existing California relationships. I want to stay in touch. I want to continue growing in community, different though the format looks now.
I want to commit more to my non-Californian, Polar Vortexian relationships, too.
I recently upgraded to a new phone — my first smartphone. While it’s truly been a long time coming as a blogger and social media doer, I’m eager to stay in better touch with others. My wonderful friends and family the world over.
If you’re reading this and we’re phone buddies, I’d love nothing more than to catch up via text or call or FaceTime soon. I care about few things more than relationships. And yet few things also burden me more. I want to do a better job staying in touch with y’all.
I think therein lies my biggest “problem” or issue of discontent these days: I’m blessed by so many remarkable relationships, but they are literally scattered all over this planet.
I just want to bottle up all the love in a single location. I want to live in a home and a neighborhood and a city inhabited by every single person I love.
I want to wake up each morning and eat breakfast with my best friend.
I want to drive or walk or skip down the road and work all day with wonderful colleagues.
I want to grab coffee or lunch with a different loved one each day.
I want to come home and enjoy meals and conversations and community with people from all slices of my life.
I want to go to bed after hugging 100 beloved brothers and sisters and then dream lovely dreams about them.
I want to repeat the same perfect process the next day. And the next, and forever the next.
Alas. I cannot have that life. Not yet anyway.
In my “sad” post, I did mention something about being at peace. This is how life works, after all: the ebbing flow of fulfillment and longing. I’m slowly coming to grips with this story-making reality.
Beyond the peace, however, I now realize possessing something else. I have joy. I have dozens upon dozens of people who love me, and I love them undoubtedly more than they realize.
So, here’s where I’m at:
I might indeed leave California this summer. That’s a thing; that could happen.
But I might come back to California, too. Or maybe I won’t even leave at all.
Honestly, I have no idea what will happen this summer. I suppose that’s what the next few months will be for, though. Figuring stuff out.
In the meantime, I’m peaceful and joyful and grateful. Grateful for everyone who has showered me with love in the last week. I’m still a little sad, but I’m hanging in there, and I’m not forgetting about you.
I love you.