The Real Reason Why I’ve Never Dated

I’m 26, soon to be 27, and I have never dated. This fact used to elicit great shame; at times, it still does. Looking back, however, I don’t believe I’ve ever been “ready.” Somebody in an online group recently posed a question that awakened me as to why:

“How do you know you want to be with someone, that you’re willing to have them invade your space and time?”

I’d never quite thought of romance this way. Something about the question’s phrasing really resonated. Especially that $50 verb: invade.

In 26 years, I’ve never dated for a plethora of reasons. But I now realize the primary reason is not my sexuality. At this juncture in my life, the notion of being in a romantic relationship — man or woman — simply seems so very awful.

Like an unceasing invasion upon my very existence.

Never dated

Photo courtesy mikebaird, Creative Commons

I’ve often wondered if I’d grown up “straight” or “normal” or however you’d label me, would I have dated by now? By 26?

Would I have liked some girl so unbearably to step toward her with quaking knees, ask her out, take her to dinner, walk barefoot along a sloshing coastline, cuddle on an oversized couch, fall asleep on her shoulder, shop for rings, buy the ring, bend to one knee, kiss her, hold her, suffer quaking knees all over again as she ambles down a petal-lined aisle toward me, and we say “I do” to each other forever?

Sexuality aside, would I be married by now?

Something inside me screams no.

Sure, I get the sense that I may have “liked” a girl here and there, and maybe I’d have even dated one or two. But when I consider the person deep within my overarching personality, I’m not at all convinced I’d have already traded in a life of managing my own messy concerns for also attending another’s.

To be labeled someone’s “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” or “husband” or “wife” and to put his or her needs before your own, to share in both their triumphs and tragedies, for better or worse, in sickness and in health — my soul feels squelched. To date someone and marry and sacrifice and be expected to do this sort of thing forever sounds woefully unappetizing.

The mere thought of a romantic relationship makes me feel invaded upon.

Am I horrible? Am I selfish? Am I really closer to 30 than 20, having never dated, and yet I still do not desire a romantic relationship?

Do I still need to grow up in my 20s? Will it take my 30s and 40s as well? Am I immature? Am I pathetic?

What’s wrong with me?

I feel like people on both sides of “the aisle” (you know the one) would tell me to just start dating already, whether I feel “ready” or not. Get out there, experiment. I’ll never know if I don’t “try,” right?

Okay. So. Here’s the thing:

I’ve been gradually climbing out of solitude over the last five years. I moved across the country, started living with friends, worked at two super relational summer camps, found a church, joined my first small group, and finally started discovering the luscious waters of life beyond the desert of my isolation.

And here’s the other thing:

Relationships are hard. They are so hard. In recent years I have gained some treasured friends, and I have lost them. Gosh, have I lost them. For 26 years, little else has stressed my soul more than the pursuit of friendship — male friendship, especially. At 26, I still feel so far from “accomplishing” that upper intimate echelon of friendship.

Dating someone, then, seems like cranking the wheel of an already ridiculous relational carousel and foolishly expecting to stick to the madly spun wheel. Good heavens, I don’t need any added turmoil in my life; I already have enough upturned cranks as it is.

When I picture my life 10, 20, 30 years out, I do admittedly like the notion of someday finding that “special someone.” To form a family and a home.

But what about all the solo adventures I still have planned? What about my introverted need for solitude? What about this arduous friendship-journey I still very much find myself limping through?

I want to want a romance someday. But I don’t want it today. I couldn’t handle it. Not yet.

But when?

How do I overcome my self-centeredness? To willingly sacrifice my independence and adventures and freedom and life for another? To stare another soul in the eyes and swear, declare: yes, I will commit my entire life to you and move across oceans with you and mourn with you and share my precious adventures with you and never seek out another in place of you, myself included?

How do I possibly get there?

I’ve never dated, and I’m unsure how exactly my “first time” might work: whether I’ll “be ready” or “feel things” or even what sorts of things, exactly.

I’ve never dated, and I’m unsure whether it will happen “naturally” or “unnaturally” or whether God just intends for my 80-year story to ride solo.

I’ve never dated, and I don’t know a lot.

But this I know.

What once was so relationally unfathomable has severed an endless Sahara of isolation. Unforeseen streams have flowed, and I now have incredible friends today that I did not have a decade ago. I have thirsted, I have yearned, I have learned, and I have grown.

And so.

I’m open. Open to more relational miracles and waterfalls that stress and astound me with every passing page.

I know I’m not alone here. Have you ever dated? Have you never dated? In a nutshell, what’s your dating/married story? How do you make your romantic relationship work? How do you ditch the selfishness and grow the relationship? Let’s share some stories.

  • You’re not alone, TMZ.

    I’m another twenty-something who has never dated, and for pretty much all the same reasons. I’m an introvert. I cherish independence and simplicity. I’ve also moved around a lot, and it has been challenging to build deep relationships before life whisks me away to some new place.

    I’m absolutely open to the prospect of dating, romance and all that wibbly-wobbly, feely-weely stuff. Enough of my friends and younger relatives are dating or married for me to see how awesome romantic relationships can be. For now, however, I’m quite content to be an eccentric, coffee-swilling bachelor. I’ll consider dating if I meet the right person, but I don’t plan to go searching. I’ll leave it to God to bring the right person into my life.

    Honestly, I suppose I’m reluctant to start dating because my life seems complicated enough already, and I never seem to have enough time for reading and writing and whatnot. Romantic relationships are time-consuming and often challenging. Are they worth it? I’m certain they can be, but I hardly feel inclined to go searching for hardships.

    Wander onward, and have a splendid St. Valentine’s Day!

    • Appreciate your sharing, Adam. My sister would appreciate the Dr. Who reference; I, however, do not.

      Just kidding. In all honesty, it was encouraging to read of your experiences and realize “I’m not alone.” My life also feels “complicated enough already,” so I completely get that feeling. I’m hoping it gets somewhat less complicating in the years to come, but I guess we’ll see what the future brings.

      Timey-wimey stuff, this future.

  • I don’t think you should ever feel pressured to date or get married because I don’t think it is a requirement of this life. I know a lot of people – men and women – who have lived their life and journeyed with God and haven’t been in a long term romantic relationship and never will be.

    I had a high school boyfriend and played with the notion of dating in college but it never really worked out. A lot of it had to do with my own comfort level. I’m very picky about the people I let into my space (not just my physical space, but my mental/emotional/spiritual space) and it is difficult to start to kindle a relationship when I can’t even feel comfortable with a friendship.

    I’m open to the prospect of ‘the one’ and I would like to get married one day and settle down so that I can have a family, but I’ve turned to God about it time after time and the response has always been, “hush, wait.” So I don’t know what that means for me but all I know is that I will continue to struggle to be a friend to people, to love on people, to have basic relationships based in trust and I will be content with that struggle for the time being.

    Happy Valentine’s Day my dear!

    • Thanks for sharing, Miss Katie. I never want to feel “pressured” into the whole messy dating process, though it’s admittedly becoming more and more difficult the older I get. The last few months especially have been challenging as dating friends have gotten engaged and I’m forced to reckon with the shifting reality of dating friendships turning into engaged friendships soon turning into married friendships. It’s gonna be a very different kind of year for relationships, that’s for sure. Hopefully growing for the better when it’s all said and done.

      Happy VDAY to you as well. May we both learn to “hush, wait.” Much love.

  • transparentthought13

    Yup, definitely agree with you on this. It’s not necessarily the SSA stuff that prevents marriage…..maybe it’s just that you’ve got the “gift” of singleness. At least for now 🙂

  • Collin

    You’ve pretty much nailed it! I agree with you on gradually getting better, and being open to the possibility of God leading you to start a relationship sometime. But, until then, I’ll just be waiting. 🙂

  • Rebecka

    First of all, I would just like to say that you have a lot more self-awareness than a lot of people who just want to be in a relationship to feel wanted and validated. Also, there is nothing wrong with you!

    I’d like to get married someday, but the way my life looks at the moment, a relationship just isn’t a possibility. Even if it was, I wouldn’t know how to be in one. The older I get, the scarier and harder it seems.

  • This is really interesting. I wonder if there are many men who feel this way.

    I dated a couple guys in high school. One of them lasted awhile and was very “serious” (though I always knew he wasn’t ‘The One,’ as my 7th grade journals from Claires put it.) That ended when I was 17.

    I’m 23 now. For 6 years, I’ve been single. After the incredible pain of that relationship… and all the hurt that continued to haunt me after… combined with a newfound hope in Christ, I started taking relationships more seriously. But personally, I was still very desperate for someone. I have a lot of male friends and have had crushes on a few of them over the last 3 years or so.

    For me, I’m still trying to find out exactly why I haven’t dated. Since that last relationship, I have noticed that I have only had crushes on guys who I was close friends with or had known for awhile and had a good name by my friends. Guys that I could count on and trust. And of course, are Christian. I have people tease me that I have got to stop falling for friends.

    Every crush that I have had has not been returned. But I feel it is something more than just “Guys never like me.” God’s doing a bigger work in that. I’m not sure if I’m unfinished… or if I’m supposed to be learning something here… or what the heck is going on. But I trust 100% that it’s God’s work… even if I don’t act like it. I’m only 23, so I guess I don’t feel the pressure that you do. Despite my school having a “ring by spring” theme, I have always known that I wouldn’t meet anyone truly special in that way at my university because I heard God speak that to me when I was 18 and decided I wanted to come here. So that pressure has never bugged me.

    I’m not sure there is always a “reason” people are single. We see that on TV shows all the time. Like How I Met Your Mother. It’s beautiful. Ted finally lets go of Robin. Now he can meet The Mother. The Mother finally let go of her own ghosts. Now she can meet Ted. You always hear people say “As soon as you don’t want it anymore… as soon as you decide you don’t need it, that’s when it comes.” But I don’t believe that. I believe it’s a good place to be. And I believe it sets people up to build that relationship easier because there are FAR less expectations. And I believe it’s beneficial to have sort through your baggage as much as possible. But I don’t think that by unlocking a certain mystery, God suddenly presents us with our “Other.” (I realize that isn’t what you’re saying here. But it’s a bit of a cultural idea.) I do believe it’s good to figure out why we haven’t dated…. or dated in six years… because there are things we need to work out. 100%. I see great strength in self-awareness.

    Sorry for the extended comment!! I’m kind of just realizing this now and processing it in the comments section of the blog of someone I haven’t met. Thanks for this post! It obviously made me think ha.

    • Appreciate the processing! This was awesome to read. I love hearing other people’s experiences with dating. It gives me a lot of insight into my own lack of dating and the process moving forward. Thanks for visiting and processing, Jaymie!

  • James Barnes

    I’m 54 and have to tell you dating is really hard, especially the older I get. It seems after each failed relationship I was in I vowed never to get into another one, but after a while I felt the desire to love and be loved again. I’m still looking for just the right person to ask out on a date, but so far haven’t found the person, or the nerves to ask someone out. I’m an introvert too, and a loner. I tend to love just staying home with my cats and reading a good book. I think the most important relationship we all should pursue is the most important one, the one with Jesus. I forget where the verse is in the Bible, but somewhere it says something about seeking Jesus first and everything we need will be fulfilled. We just have to be open and ready for whatever God has in store for our lives.

    • Hey James, thanks for sharing. I imagine it would indeed get “harder” to date the older you get. You’re right though, our focus should be firstly on Christ as He fills in the spaces of everything we need. Definitely no shame in singleness with God at the center. Easier said than done sometimes, but a truth to hold onto.

  • Charisma

    You’re not selfish; it could just be the way you’re meant to be. Not all of us are called to be married or be in a relationship…maybe you have the gift of singleness and you should embrace it instead of thinking that there is something wrong with you because you don’t desire to be in a relationship :). I’ve never dated anyone either, but I know for sure I would want to and I have the desire to be married someday.

    • Thanks for stopping by and commenting! Yes, singleness can certainly be a blessing in many ways — especially for my introverted, independent-minded self. Trying to maintain that healthy perspective as I still find my way in this world.

  • Sara

    Wow your story is a lot like mine. It really touched me that you posted it. I’ve been told I’m attractive, been flirted with, and people assume that I’ve done all of that dating/intimacy stuff. Even when I was younger they assumed that. And I used to feel that shame as well, like you described. I’m 26 too and I’ve never had a boyfriend or been with anyone in an intimate way like that. 1. I need alone time. A LOT of alone time. I’m just an introvert and if I don’t get that time by myself things go south real quick in my relationships. It hit me this year that when I am in a relationship I won’t have that alone time. Yet I still do want to find someone someday and do all that marriage stuff and all that jazz. 2. I too realized that even if I had started dating years ago, I wouldn’t have been ready for it. I had issues to deal with in myself and a lot of growing to do. And I did all of that successfully. I guess the real issue isn’t that I haven’t dated or been intimate or whatever. I’m finally at a point in my life where I think I’m actually ready and interested in pursuing a relationship as long as it’s with someone special and not just for dating experience or fun. I guess I just feel stuck. I don’t know how to proceed. There are some things I know would make it easier. If I relinquished some of my alone time I would meet more people and if I spent less time relaxing and more time going out and meeting people who re interested in what I’m interested in then I’d have more of a chance of meeting someone compatible. But one social outing a month is enough for me. I hang out with friends but at some point that gets tiring and I have to call it a night. I’m just a big introvert! I guess at this point I’m just putting off doing what I need to do in order to get something I want (going out to find someone special) because I don’t want to give up my time to myself. But the truth is, it’s not a phase, it’s a huge part of my personality. That’s kind of worrisome. There won’t be a time when I’ll suddenly feel like going out every night to meet people. And there’s no way I’m settling for someone I don’t really care about. I’m thinking I’ll find someone when I’m 70 at that rate:P And then there’s the weird ‘how are they going to react when it becomes abundantly clear that I’ve never dated before’ lol That gets to me sometimes but then I think, ‘why would I want to be with someone who saw that as an issue anyway?’ The one person I’ve loved and have been emotionally intimate with I could have seen myself marrying. Nothing came of that 5 year friendship because of circumstance. To be honest, I think I’ve been kind of ready to date for a couple of years now but I was too attached to him emotionally to let myself. But I think about him and it reminds me that there are people out there who really don’t see that as an issue, good people like him. Anyway, sorry for rambling, your post hit home:P

    • Hey Sara! Thanks for commenting and sharing some of your thoughts. I resonate with so much of what you said. Maybe someday the notion of marriage will look more feasible or even appealing, but for now I think I’m still working out a lot of my “introverted angst.” Exploring and traveling and wandering and figuring out life. I just couldn’t imagine being coupled to another human being right now, so I guess it’s good that I’m not. Glad you understand who you are and where you’re at! Many don’t. Whether you ever date or marry, I hope you continue growing down whatever path you’re called to walk. Hope to see you around these parts again soon!

  • Pingback: I've Never Been a Groomsman | Thomas Mark Zuniga()

  • Cate

    TMZ, words can’t really express how blessed I was by this blog post. I just got out of a 6 month relationship with a guy who struggles with same-sex attraction. Our relationship felt lonely, few could understand the challenges we faced as a couple because of his struggle. It quickly became apparent that he was very much in the place you described and wasn’t ready for the challenge of a relationship. I care for him deeply and have searched for some understanding of what he experiences; your post brought so much light to my thoughts. Thank you for the courage you show in being so open with your experiences.

    • Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing some of your own experience, Cate. I’m glad my post could bless you with some insight. It’s definitely not “just an SSA thing.” There’s a lot more at play in my own life, certainly. Prayers for continued blessings over you and your friend. Much love!

  • Rusalka

    You sound like my 24 year old daughter. I just suggest she focus on what makes her happy right now and not worry about it. She might just find someone, someday. I was married in my 27th year after we dated (both of still living at home) for 6 years. Soo Hubby and I have been together for 32 years. We are best friends and lovers.

    Chin up…I am positive there are many kids in your “boat”. Now we need a strategy to help them.

    My daughter is nothing like me, I wanted to go to every party, prom. and school dances I could get a guy to go and have fun with. I chose to be a virgin on my wedding night, for that reason ,my friends nicknamed me “Bubbles”. I loved to laugh and I wasn’t so bad looking so I got dates. Surprisingly enough, a lot of the guys who “dated” me, They dated me for the fun.

    For my daughter, she just wanted to avoid it all. She blames the rotten snooty brats in her school, or chalked it up to shyness on her behalf. Afraid she would catch an illness if she wanted to experiment with sex. I fear Health class sacred her against intimacy. I think they scared a lot of kids about dating. She is still a virgin, too.

    She does leave the house to go to work. She knows she will always have a home and ears to listen to her troubles. I have faith she will meet someone that she will like and I just hope it’s a guy who will speak up first if he likes her, because if they both won’t speak up, there will be no dates, no fun, no joy of sharing yourself with someone and feel those love goose bumps, Now that would be a shame. Good luck Thomas

  • Dillon

    As a 20 year old male, I wonder about romance a teeny bit. I have experienced a few logically sinful experiences in which I did not agree with when I chose them — more or less “experiments”. I do not feel desperate or this as a necessity; however, I do wonder about life and where I will go as the next person. I can say I have a similar testimony in the last 2 years alone. I heard life truly does not get easier; however, I want to squeeze everything I possibly can with the strength and reliance of my own discernment, friends/family, and ultimately encounters with The Lord and the Word. I no longer live for myself, yet am responsible to love God before I love myself before I love people, and must stay active in the shambles of the nation in which I forseek. I am grateful

    • Dillon

      I want male friends as well actually more than romance. I also know a friend who never truly felt ready to get married. That is normal, and okay. It is uncomfortable and sometimes unpopular to discuss. As long as you accept it, and as long as you keep a concern, remain transparent and reach out as much as possible.

      • Thanks for stopping by and sharing some of your story, Dillon. I can resonate with that deep yearning for male friendships over romance, and I think if we’re willing to step out with others God will honor the risk. It’s a long process, though. Ultimately, He will bless singleness as much as marriage. Just depends on each individual story, and we’re all so different. Prayers for your own journey!

  • Tess

    I’m a 28 year old woman and have never dated, never kissed anyone and hugging was only for life long friends and sometimes family. The only romantic brushing I had was an online moment but even then, it was very awkward for me. I am the only one I know this way and am somewhat given that “Oh you will fine someone when you are ready.” It creeps me out, like dating is akin to death.

    The very idea makes me a little sick. I think I just might be weirdo though. I have this lovely world by myself and the idea of having to explain why I do things the way I do or have to be the emotional punching bag for yet another person doesn’t sit well with me. Friends do enough damage, so I don’t think I could handle anyone wanting more than a hug from me.

    However, I do get these annoying moments of loneliness where I want someone to share my life with only to have to remind myself that that person is going to have their own issues I would have to deal with and it really would be better for them to fine someone more willing to put up with it. Its not as if no one is attracted to me, but i feel almost offended when they do and my response is never pleasant. I would prefer to never date at all, I just need to figure out how to cure the moments of weakness and then I’m sure I’ll be fine.

    If you want to have a relationship of romance one day, that’s fine but only if you want to.

    • Thanks for reading and sharing some of your story, Tess! I can resonate with those “sick” feelings. Wishing you all the best through singlehood and beyond. Travel well!

  • Ania

    Tom. Brother. I love you, please know that. And please also know that while we are very different, we are also very much alike. I never felt like I was “ready” for a relationship, and sometimes, the independent part of me doesnt want it. But there is another part of me that knows this was God’s plan for me. Being in this relationship I have grown so much, and it has often taught me to die to myself. It has also hurt beyond belief sometimes, and that makes it very scary. If you feel like the Lord is calling you to singleness, thats great! Live your life for Him in any way you can as a single man. But please dont hold back from His plan for any reason: whether it be selfishness or fear or whatever. We all have our hangups. I still worry about needing my introverted space and all that, and I know that will get even slimmer as the years pass and there are kids who need me as well as a husband. But my one prayer is that I continue to grow more and more like Christ. And if that means taking away my “me” time so be it. Again, I know we are different and have experienced different things, but we have the same blood, and the same way of thinking. And I love you too much not to tell you my thoughts on this. Love you, brother.

  • Bryon

    I’m having a good time reading your blog and although you might not read these in chronological order, I’ve commented on many of them. I am a little frustrated that I can’t read them in chronological order though, because they are so disjunctive this way.

    I dated two girls in High School, only to suffice as a secret beard though. I really like one of them, but she wanted to have sex and I couldn’t get “interested” if you know what I mean. Well, I had crushes on a few girls in college that knew of my SSA and they were VERY turned off. I haven’t dated since High School though, (unless you count the one lunch I had with a girl that was a date with her Church friends present). I didn’t want to date really because I just felt too different to feel confident it would work. I have always LOVED the idea of marriage though, and always read books about it and even would love to be a family and marriage counselor (I’m in graduate school to become an LPC). It wasn’t until I started accepting my attractions, talking about them with more people, loving myself, healing from my abuse and then getting used to physical affection that I found myself wanting and t hen yearning to be married. I became attracted to women (and still men too) and I knew that what I really wanted was closeness. Physical proximity closeness, emotional closeness and sharing experiences closeness. I never wanted any of those things with men.

    Of course it all scares me terribly now that I’ve been single for 42 years. I wonder how I could ever adapt to a wife if I can’t even have a roommate. I think about how broken I am, sensitive and inflexible and I write it off, but it still haunts me. I am an ambivert, equally introverted as I am extroverted. I swing one way or the other from day to day, but I prefer to have some sort of company more often than not. I still don’t like groups and would like intimate one-on-one conversations. It seems ideal for marriage. I have a friend who is an extreme introvert and his wife is one too. They need lots of time along, but the better they are enjoying the sharing and intimacy, the less time they want apart. I kinda think that as we grow and are less afraid of conflict and loss, being with someone that loves us and sometimes doesn’t as much isn’t so scary. Marriage is more appealing when we decide we are better off with someone than we are alone. I don’t think anyone really has a realistic understanding of how difficult it can be, except for you and me. Perhaps there are ties between your heartache of losing friends and fights with them that makes a lifelong commitment seem a bit scarier. Regardless, most people get married for the wrong reasons, to avoid loneliness and dying along. You seem smarter than that and I applaud you for it. I always said to people when they asked me, “I’ll get married when I HAVE to get married.” After they looked at me with a puzzled face I would explain, “I will marry when I find someone I simply can’t live without for the rest of my life. I HAVE to get married to end my fear of losing them.” For me, trying people on for size doesn’t really fit into that idea of marriage. I will know when the person comes along because we are attracted to one another and we will become inseparable. I met a few women so far I could have married, but the sentiment wasn’t returned. You know what? Years later after separating, they looked me up and now THEY regret not returning my affection. Who knew?

    • Thanks for sharing so much of your story on my blog, Bryon. I really appreciate your openness. I love hearing all the similarities/differences among the human existence, whether inside the “SSA realm” or out. Much love in your continued journey!

  • marilyn

    me to im 27 and never dated. people say its a demon.

  • marilyn

    im 27 turning 28 iv never huged or kissed. im happy. they all think im gay or possessed or will commit incest. im happy though and disease free c hasing my career. m happy

  • Malla

    I am a straight
    female and just turned 26, This is EXACTLY my story. I have never dated, had
    any romantic relationship, never even kissed someone before. It’s not that I
    don’t want to, eventually, but right now I simply don’t feel ready. Invasion is
    the exact wording about how I feel. I wonder if I’m just selfish? The hardest
    part is, being a woman, there is so much pressure from friends and family and
    my own biological clock to get in the game already before it’s too late. All my
    friends have children, and we are growing apart because we have nothing in
    common any more. It’s not that I don’t want kids, but again, it’s that
    selflessness that seems so undesirable to me right now. But I’m worried I won’t
    ever be able to break this habit of loving my singularity, and will be all
    alone in the end.

    • You’re definitely not alone, Malla. Thanks for sharing some of your story here. It’s comforting to know there are others like us in our midst, male and female alike. One day and one season at a time! Much love to you, and thanks again for stopping by here.

  • Arielle

    As much as I love intimately getting to know people and being around them, the idea of a romantic/sexual relationship seems like so much work. I’ve had a few of my friends and acquaintances show an interest in me and my first reaction is to just stop talking to them. It almost feels like a betrayal to me and I don’t know why. I mostly just want to be best friends with everyone. I’ve only dated one person when I was 15. He showed an interest in me and I felt like never talking to him again, but when I told people that he liked me, people told me that I liked him too (because I have a really affectionate personality and everyone thinks I’m flirting) so I just assumed that they knew better than I did. We started dating and I was still having unsure feelings about him and it wasn’t until we kissed that I realized I had absolutely no feelings for him. I literally felt nothing. When we broke up, I was absolutely crushed, not because we weren’t dating anymore, but because it felt like the end of our friendship. There was another guy I wanted to be in a relationship with, but when I felt like things were getting too serious, I freaked out and put up a ton of boundaries. I just couldn’t do it because I knew I wasn’t ready. Now here’s the thing: I can’t tell if I don’t want to be in any relationships at all or just not any with men. I’ve had really strong feelings for women and I’ve kissed a girl and it was completely the opposite of everything I felt (or didn’t feel) when I kissed that guy I dated. But I’ve never dated a girl. A good friend of mine fell in love with me and I just couldn’t bring myself to date her. Sometimes I think I’m some sort of asexual. Like I said before, I just want to be best friends with everyone. I’m not sure if I want to be in a relationship in the future or just be a cat lady. When I think about having kids, I’m repulsed. I think it’s just the pregnancy/childbirth/babies thing that freaks me out. Maybe adoption is a good option for me. I don’t know. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your feelings on relationships and for coming out in a previous post. I’m so glad there’s someone out there who also just happens to be a Christan and shares similar struggles of mine. And by the way, I also wouldn’t have found your blog if I wasn’t obsessively trying to find any info I could get on Taya Smith. She’s the best!

    • Arielle

      I forgot to mention this, but I’m 20 🙂

    • Arielle

      Also, I’m an ambivert that puts way too much value on her freedom and being in a relationship would really cramp my style.

    • Sorry I’m late to replying back to your comment, but I just wanted to say I really appreciate your sharing some of your story here, Arielle! I love hearing from people however they find my blog. You’re right in that you’re not the only one who found me by searching for Taya Smith! How cool.

      Don’t worry if dating doesn’t seem to be your thing. Maybe someday it will; maybe not. Live each day for God and whatever He has for you in that single day, and I’m confident the rest will get ironed out in His time. Single or dating or married, we always have a purpose!

      Hope you’ll continue journeying with me. All best!

  • David Jesmer

    Thomas – I so very much relate with you – just finished your book (Struggle Central) and felt like I was reading about myself. Like you, I’m a gay Christian, and pretty darn introverted (maybe not to the level you are, but still quite introverted). And the choice for me has always been quite stark – either don’t date or give in to my same-sex attractions. I am not even slightly attracted to women, and can not form a romantic bond with a woman. I tried in my teens and 20’s, and it’s just not in me. I’m guessing I have a harder time resisting sexual sin than you do, because I’m not introverted to the point that I won’t jump on an opportunity to sin sexually with another guy when temptation overcomes me. So it kind of sucks – gets pretty lonely – I so want the intimate bond of sexual closeness with someone, yet have no outlet that is not sinful. Thankfully, Jesus has shown me ways to rely on him, on my family of Christians, and on Scripture to get me through – but it’s still hard, and I fail from time to time.

  • Nicole Ha

    nope, I’m 26 now and haven’t officially dated anyone so far. previously I was ok w/ freedom of singlehood coz I have been travelling a lot. however, it’s kinda suck lately, especially when it’s cold and people surrounding me already settled down with their family. I have been really active in many activities, study & work but, yea, seem not to be much blessed w/ love & relationship though.what to do, just gotta move on & do what make me excited/happy though. life still need to be carried on no matter what

  • ISpeakTheTruth

    It is very hard to meet a good woman today that is Not very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very money hungry, since they will Never go with a man that makes much less Money than they do which is a very good reason why i am still single today unfortunately.

  • Nick

    Firstly I cannot write very well so I apologise in advance. I can relate to this story at 32 I have never dated. At the tender age of 16 i lost my virginity in a one night stand and regret that i succumbed to peer pressure to lose it. There is no heartbreak story it was more lust than love. The desire for sex or girlfriends during my 20’s was around but I was not going to freely give up my body again without building trust for sex and I wanted to sort out my own emotional baggage (what who or how do i define a sense of self-being) before getting into serious relationships. Now in my 30’s all my friends have wife/kids or long term girlfriends. Friends and relations often comment that they thought i was married or in a relationship already and can’t see why a reasonably fit good-looking guy has never dated let alone had a girlfriend. My default response has been I’ve worked in construction a VERY male environment so don’t get the chance to meet women. My social life is limited working with guys but not wanting to drink or party can cause problems. What seems to be a theme with people i know in relationships is how they seem to depend on it like they need it. Others seem to be truly “in it” and often say their life would be pointless without their partner. Now if being truly honest with myself i have never felt as if someone could really fill that gap. I know some people fill the gap with women/men that they don’t necessarily like but do so because that’s the conventional way to fill that gap and the dread of being alone is BIG. I know this dread. Times like that i ask how many people really examine what “it” is. If we really wanted to know about the psychology or philosophy of romantic love would it loose its appeal. Connecting with people is hard because we all want to be wanted but still maintain our individuality. Many of my friends if observed constantly need to be in the presents of others and if not in person then through social media. Perhaps it all external validation the need for ontological roots. I think now in my 30’s getting a girlfriend and once having one knowing why i want one in the first place (mainly social acceptance and to feel a sense of self existing) that person will probably never really be enough and will always be second to my love for myself (not in a vain narcissistic way). How many people am i likely to meet that are of this understanding that i could form a relationship with based on personal growth. I have thought maybe I’m missing out on something or I’m missing something and experimentation would help. Perhaps its because i don’t need that someone to feel alive or that I’m “living fully” its a gift to have that ability live without. Power of language altering our outlook–Loneliness and Solitude come to mind. Thanks for writing this little piece it was great to read.

    • Wow, thanks for sharing all that Nick. I love your perspective as a single “fit good-looking guy” in his 30’s; we’re not that different, it seems. I hope you find fulfillment in however many years remain in your singlehood, finding deep friendships and authentic community. If a romantic relationship is indeed meant to happen for you, I do believe you’ve gained a healthy perspective of love. I wish you all the best! And hope to see you in these parts of my blog again sometime.

  • ThatIsTheTruth

    With so many Low Life Loser women out there today it is very hard for many of us Good men to meet a Good one that is Normal for a Change. That is why since we really Can’t Blame ourselves at all. And many of us are Not Single by choice.

  • Anish Poddar

    Hi, I’m an Indian Enneagram 4w5 guy, like you (though I woudn’t say I’m as drawn to the nomadic life as you are), and I’m currently 17. I’m also an INFP personality type, which has caused some unique problems while also contributing to some truly life-altering and enriching experiences. About the whole relationships thing (though I’m way too young to be seriously considering it right now), I have always loved the idea of romantic love and yearned for that closeness and intimacy to be a part of my life, but I tend to get carried away by just that; the idea of it rather than the practical reality. I’ve written poetry to the few people I have deeply cared about, though only one person has ever read what I’ve written to her (she’s still a good friend). I have few friends, but amazing friends, though sociability is something I definitely need to work on; but the main thing I’m getting at here, I think, is that I sometimes worry whether I will ever find a woman in my life who is truly fascinated by my rich, intricate and expansive imagination. Most of my writing is still based in parallel dimensions, alternate realities, and abstract concepts, and while I definitely need to develop a more approachable style, I just haven’t found too many people, especially girls/women, who don’t just superficially “respect” and “appreciate” all that “artsy and creative stuff”, but whogenuinely and deeply admire my highly impassioned visions of the world; who truly try to understand just how deep my emotionality and intellectualism go, and just how inseparably and powerfully they are fused together. I have a lot to do in life right now, and people keep telling me I’ve got plenty of time to figure this out (and they’re right), so I guess, as things are right now, I’d like to just grow as an individual and learn to be more assertive and grounded for now. Having fun, developing my imagination as well as my people skills and efficiency, a more realistic mindset, and having a definite direction in life. That’s probably the only way I can eventually have what I want from a relationship. And I believe and pray I’ll be ready for it when the time comes.
    P.S: (a rather long postscript)
    And thank you so much, Tom, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing everything (and I’m not just speaking of this particular post, I’ m speaking of your journey as a Four). It’s so relieving to know that I’m not the only one who’s faced – and conquered – these moments of self-doubt and torment, and that there’s hope for me and other people like me in the world.
    It takes courage and tremendous emotional honesty to bare yourself like that, especially on such a public platform, and I really appreciate the selfless way in which you’re trying to help others on your own personal journey of self-healing, exploration and growth. Thanks again, for everything.

  • diolord89

    I am not sure if you still read these but I am in the same predicament only I am 27 now and about to be 28. I have never dated in my entire life nor have I really had a need or want too. There are many times I do feel immensely lonely but that is not from lack of an SO, that is just the fact that I don’t have many friends anymore. I do not think I am gay but than again, I do not feel overwhelming urges for one sex or the other. I just want to do my own thing which is to live, learn, and finally get a better job. Some people in my family have suspected before that I may be but it doesn’t matter either way, I just want to be happy and dating is not apart of that plan right now. For the longest, I thought I may be the only one that thought this way since people have asked me since forever why I never had a girlfriend. The realization that I am not the only ones gives me a sigh of relief.

    • Just now getting around to seeing this comment and responding. Sorry about the delay! Life takes me on crazy turns sometimes. Just wanted to tell you it’s okay to feel alone and remind you that you’re not. I blog more often on; feel free to check out my and my other brothers’ posts there. I hope you can relate with our stories. We’d love to have you join us in the journey. Much love, brother.