I’m a horrible friend. I only want your friendship for your kind words so that I can feel affirmed. I only want your friendship for your favors so that I can do less work or spend less money. I only want your friendship for those one-sided conversations that make me feel less lonely as I completely neglect your goings-on.
I’m a horrible friend. I hate texting you and calling you and otherwise trying to squeeze you into my weekly self-absorbed schedule. I’ve ignored your texts and calls and bothersome voicemails. I only want your friendship when it’s convenient, which might be once a week or once a month or maybe even once a year.
I’m a horrible friend. I forget your birthday and I forget your special event you kept bubbling about and I forget to pray for your personal thing I promised I’d be praying about. Additionally, I get really upset and angry when you forget about me and my many ongoing issues.
I’m a horrible friend. I’d rather not get involved with your messy life because my own life is messy enough for me to handle. I’m an introvert, after all, so I can only take so much of you. My innate introversion is always my excuse to distance myself.
I’m a horrible friend. I don’t know how to fix any of your problems, so I’d rather just ignore you and ignore them and pretend none of it exists. Our friendship is just so much easier that way, don’t you agree?
I’m a horrible friend. I judge you for all your questionable decisions because I’m quite certain I’d never make those same mistakes. I’m stronger and wiser and better than you, and you should follow my example some time.
I’m a horrible friend. I’ve abandoned you before you could abandon me. I’ve assumed the worst in you. I’ve felt sure you’d be an awful person.
I’m a horrible friend. If I’d been there for you, none of this mess would have happened. Instead, I fled. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take you. When you needed me most, I was nowhere to be found.
I’m a horrible friend. Looking back on my fault-ridden life, I know this to be true.
I’m a horrible friend. And I’m so sorry. More than anything, I don’t want this to be my legacy.
I’m a great friend. In fact, I always thought so and that others should get a clue. If I could advertise with a billboard, it would say, “Greatest friend in the world; PLEASE call me!” Over the years, I found out people don’t want a friend that gets upset that they don’t see what a great friend I am and that I expected something for it. Truth is, most people are lousy friends SOME of the time, and some people are lousy friends MOST of the time, but everyone is a friend a one time. I don’t take people’s shortcomings so seriously and I’m not so needy any more, which helps. I think as we all grow in our minds, attitudes and generosity we can model what being a good friend looks like, which I try to do and invest when I can. I don’t rely on those who can’t and I find those to rely on who can. I think friendship is the toughest part of relationship, because it is the building blocks of all relationships and it starts when we are very young. I remind people all the time though that being shy and being an introvert are two totally different things. Just as being selfish and being busy are two different things. The joy comes from giving what you know someone can’t give back. Perhaps you are a receiver in this time, but now…a year later, things have changed. I would love to hear how your road trip changed things for you.
By the way, I’m terrible at making paragraphs. Hope it doesn’t drive you crazy. I also hate proofreading.